[“Joy to the World” plays]– [together]
♪ Let every heart ♪ – ♪ Prepare him room ♪
♪ Rejoice in–replace you ♪ [together] ♪ And Heaven and
nature sing ♪ ♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪ ♪ And Heaven
And Heaven ♪ ♪ And nature sing ♪ – Nice.
– It’s–It’s a thing. Hellosies.
I’m Rich Fulcher. And today we’re gonna
talk about how Teddy Roosevelt’s children saved Christmas. Pretty cool.It was 1901.
Teddy Roosevelt was justelected the Prize-ident
of the United Status.– [chuckles]His motto was,
“Speak softly,and carry a big dick.”And Theodore Roosevelt
is a huge conservationist.You don’t wanna know.
– Actually, I do. – Okay.Basically,
in his lifetime,he had five national parks.18 national monuments.
150 national forests.He loved those trees
so goddamn much.And he thought,
I don’t want any treecut down.
I don’t want Christmas treesin my White House.So Theodore–Teddy–was
a family man.He had six kids,
and he loved his kids.Hi, I’m Archie.
Hey, I’m Quentin.Hi, I’m Kermit.
I’m Alice.I’m Theodore, Jr.
I’m Ethel.So he had all these kids,
and he was just brimming with, like, semen.[mimics farting sounds]– What was that?
– That’s a mouth fart. – That was a mouth fart?
– Yeah. Oh, what–so, okay.So, it’s Christmas time.Roosevelt would dress up as
Santa for Christmas,and he would say,
Ho, ho, ho, sit on my lapand tell me what you want
for Christmas.So Archie said to his dad,
Papa-pea,can I have a tree
this year?And dad says,
No.I do not want
a Christmas tree here.‘Cause it’ll ruin our forests.This is the thing.He–He– [burps]So the kids hatched a plan.
Archie said to Quentin,We need to cut down a tree
and show daddy thatChristmas trees
are the way to gofor everyone.Let’s go to the edge of the
c–White House lawnand chop the [bleep]
Christmas tree.So, uh, sure enough,
they cut down the tree.And they get the help of the
White House electrician,whatever that is.– They’ll turn the lights on,
if they go off.– Ooh, you’re good at this.Well, so–uh, so Archieasked the electrician.
The electrician said,Sure, I can do it.
I can put lights on the tree.I’m a goddamn electrician.
That’s what I do.And so, he put the lights
on the tree.And then they put the tree
in the seamstress’ closet.[coughs]
The tree’s in the closet, and the mother’s [stammers].And they said,
We’re gonna make papabelieve in the trees.The trees make you believes.The trees make you sneeze
below the knees.– [chuckles]– Cut to commercial. – What’s your favorite
Christmas song? – Um, the–the
Paul McCartney song– ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ ♪ Da, da
Da, da ♪ ♪ A-da-da-da
da, da, da ♪ ♪ I’ve been wah ♪ – ♪ A-huh-na-na
Christmas time ♪ – ♪ A-having a Christmas time ♪ – Right.
– Hmm? – What?
– Hmm. – [bleep] me.
– [chuckles]– A, what–so, okay.So, it’s Christmastime.– Eh, it’s exciting.
– It’s exciting!They open up the presents
and everybody was happy withthe presents.Uh, then Archie
and Quentin said,Now’s the time to reveal
the Christmas tree.And they open the door.And there it is.
A Christmas tree with lights.And sure enough,
the President says,Oh, what a great,
uh, surprise.He appreciated
the kids’ ingenuity,but he was also kind of like,Hey, whoa, this is kinda,
like, not what I said to do.He decided to call
his good friendand fellow conservationist,Gifford Pinchot.Theodore Roosevelt said,
Hey, come on overand give my kids the what-for
about this Christmas tree.So everyone, um,
gathers round.Gifford said,
Actually–[burps]If you chop down
the biggest trees,it leaves sunlight for
the smaller ones to grow,and there’s less, uh,
shit all over the place.Well, [bleep] me.
– [laughs]– So President Roosevelt
decides to lift the banon Christmas trees,
and everyone is excited.Daddy, so this means we can
have Christmas trees?We’re gonna have Christmas
trees every yearfor eternity.And from that point forward,
he was a changed man,thanks in large part
to Archie and Quentin– those two little [bleep]-abouts
that chopped down the tree.Oh, God,
you little [bleep]-abouts.[burps]
– [laughs]Cheers, Rich.
Merry Christmas.– Merry Cosmos.– [together] We’d like
to sing you a song.– Zap.– ♪ Silent night ♪
– ♪ See golden wing– ♪– ♪ Holy night ♪
– ♪ Holy naw ♪– ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
– [melodic noises]– ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
– [melodic noises]– That was pretty good.
– Yep.Good one.
Double-click. Triple-click.♪ ♪