A Very Teddy Roosevelt Christmas – Uncensored

A Very Teddy Roosevelt Christmas – Uncensored


[“Joy to the World” plays]– [together]
♪ Let every heart ♪ – ♪ Prepare him room ♪
♪ Rejoice in–replace you ♪ [together] ♪ And Heaven and
nature sing ♪ ♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪ ♪ And Heaven
And Heaven ♪ ♪ And nature sing ♪ – Nice.
– It’s–It’s a thing. Hellosies.
I’m Rich Fulcher. And today we’re gonna
talk about how Teddy Roosevelt’s children saved Christmas. Pretty cool.It was 1901.
Teddy Roosevelt was just
elected the Prize-ident
of the United Status.
– [chuckles]His motto was,
“Speak softly,
and carry a big dick.”And Theodore Roosevelt
is a huge conservationist.
You don’t wanna know.
– Actually, I do. – Okay.Basically,
in his lifetime,
he had five national parks.18 national monuments.
150 national forests.
He loved those trees
so goddamn much.And he thought,
I don’t want any tree
cut down.
I don’t want Christmas trees
in my White House.So Theodore–Teddy–was
a family man.
He had six kids,
and he loved his kids.
Hi, I’m Archie.
Hey, I’m Quentin.
Hi, I’m Kermit.
I’m Alice.
I’m Theodore, Jr.
I’m Ethel.
So he had all these kids,
and he was just brimming with, like, semen.[mimics farting sounds]– What was that?
– That’s a mouth fart. – That was a mouth fart?
– Yeah. Oh, what–so, okay.So, it’s Christmas time.Roosevelt would dress up as
Santa for Christmas,
and he would say,
Ho, ho, ho, sit on my lap
and tell me what you want
for Christmas.
So Archie said to his dad,
Papa-pea,
can I have a tree
this year?
And dad says,
No.
I do not want
a Christmas tree here.
‘Cause it’ll ruin our forests.This is the thing.He–He– [burps]So the kids hatched a plan.
Archie said to Quentin,
We need to cut down a tree
and show daddy that
Christmas trees
are the way to go
for everyone.Let’s go to the edge of the
c–White House lawn
and chop the [bleep]
Christmas tree.
So, uh, sure enough,
they cut down the tree.
And they get the help of the
White House electrician,
whatever that is.– They’ll turn the lights on,
if they go off.
– Ooh, you’re good at this.Well, so–uh, so Archieasked the electrician.
The electrician said,
Sure, I can do it.
I can put lights on the tree.
I’m a goddamn electrician.
That’s what I do.
And so, he put the lights
on the tree.
And then they put the tree
in the seamstress’ closet.
[coughs]
The tree’s in the closet, and the mother’s [stammers].And they said,
We’re gonna make papa
believe in the trees.The trees make you believes.The trees make you sneeze
below the knees.
– [chuckles]– Cut to commercial. – What’s your favorite
Christmas song? – Um, the–the
Paul McCartney song– ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ ♪ Da, da
Da, da ♪ ♪ A-da-da-da
da, da, da ♪ ♪ I’ve been wah ♪ – ♪ A-huh-na-na
Christmas time ♪ – ♪ A-having a Christmas time ♪ – Right.
– Hmm? – What?
– Hmm. – [bleep] me.
– [chuckles]– A, what–so, okay.So, it’s Christmastime.– Eh, it’s exciting.
– It’s exciting!
They open up the presents
and everybody was happy with
the presents.Uh, then Archie
and Quentin said,
Now’s the time to reveal
the Christmas tree.
And they open the door.And there it is.
A Christmas tree with lights.
And sure enough,
the President says,
Oh, what a great,
uh, surprise.
He appreciated
the kids’ ingenuity,
but he was also kind of like,Hey, whoa, this is kinda,
like, not what I said to do.
He decided to call
his good friend
and fellow conservationist,Gifford Pinchot.Theodore Roosevelt said,
Hey, come on over
and give my kids the what-for
about this Christmas tree.
So everyone, um,
gathers round.
Gifford said,
[laughs]
Tedro.
Actually–
[burps]If you chop down
the biggest trees,
it leaves sunlight for
the smaller ones to grow,
and there’s less, uh,
shit all over the place.
Well, [bleep] me.
– [laughs]
– So President Roosevelt
decides to lift the banon Christmas trees,
and everyone is excited.
Daddy, so this means we can
have Christmas trees?
We’re gonna have Christmas
trees every year
for eternity.And from that point forward,
he was a changed man,
thanks in large part
to Archie and Quentin– those two little [bleep]-abouts
that chopped down the tree.Oh, God,
you little [bleep]-abouts.
[burps]
– [laughs]
Cheers, Rich.
Merry Christmas.
– Merry Cosmos.– [together] We’d like
to sing you a song.
– Zap.– ♪ Silent night ♪
– ♪ See golden wing– ♪
– ♪ Holy night ♪
– ♪ Holy naw ♪
– ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
– [melodic noises]
– ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
– [melodic noises]
– That was pretty good.
– Yep.
Good one.
Double-click. Triple-click.♪ ♪

100 thoughts on “A Very Teddy Roosevelt Christmas – Uncensored

  1. 🎼🎶"We're Simpp-lee.. hav-ing A Wonderful Christmas Ti-mmme🎶🎼.

    One of my Top 5 Favorite Christmas Songs as well!!!!!

  2. I am expressing soo much hope desire to do this any day. It incorporates my 3 favourite things liqueur, history and the ability to crack a joke. Do I have to be an American citizen?

  3. “Carry a big dick” is pretty accurate because he believed having a big military would deter conflicts while speaking peacefully would also help

  4. Teddy was badass. Wasn't born badass,was a bit of a fancy lad actually but realized he needed some street cred and became a great soldier and conservationist. However he was a big hunter but back then everything wasn't on the edge of extinction. Also a time when repubs were more like dems in a lot of ways.

  5. Theodore Roosevelt knows he wasn't supposed to buy land especially if he was a president there is certain prerequisite knowledge to being a president the amendments are one of them I would think he is trying to solidify his low profile stolen history on Turtle Island he knew better but he did it anyway

  6. Is it weird that I think money has no value. You know when I tell people how do you want the world Money Money Money. For All I'm like why do you need a piece of paper for what God made for us….

  7. Am i the only one who is concerned when the little boy lip syncs "fucking"?

  8. "If you chop down the bigger trees, there's more sunlight for the little trees and less shit all over the place." Best line!

  9. “Speak softly and carry a big dick”
    – Theodore Roosevelt

    Well I think I’ve just found my yearbook quote and life motto

  10. Who cares that Teddy Roosevelt established many National Parks~ he was a MEAN, BLOODTHIRSTY HUNTER!Throw him to the PETA-ites!!

  11. Chopping off trees for Christmas is so stupid. Just buy a fake tree. Ours is older then me and it's still perfect

  12. Now we have highly polluting plastic trees vs destroying the real forest because of human overpopulation and ignorance about ecology.

  13. Wow I didn't know anything about Teddy Roosevelt before this. I love the fact that he loves trees. Unfortunately nobody listen him and 100 years later we are suffering for that. Christmas Trees are so overrated and pointless. Teddy was right

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