CIVVIE’S CHRISTMAS GRABBAG


[Music] I hear things are pretty bad up there everybody’s got the plague economy’s broken down my Uncle Frank is apparently in charge of a fairly large portion to sub-saharan Africa where he’s worshipped isn’t God for screwing over whitey I mean honestly fuck whitey I’ll tell you I’ve never been happier to be incarcerated they’ve locked this place down so tight Santa himself couldn’t get in hadn’t stopped anybody from leaving a few gifts down here for me this one this was just a steam code with a ribbon on it that’s fucking lazy I didn’t have to get you anything nobody asks you to do anything around here City if there wasn’t a quarantine we kicked your ass out uh-huh what do we got here Xmas zombie rampage oh yes this is what I’m talking about some steamed trash garbage shovel we’re used to get printed to disks in the olden times you’d have to go to a store put it up on the counter and have the cashier know that you’re about to buy shit he knows he’s selling your garbage but he doesn’t have a choice little Timmy meets heart surgery and if he can’t get it they’re gonna have to use the pine from the Christmas tree to make a little I’ve never gotten to talk about trashy steam games before except hunt down the Fremen that game was trash but now like this this is cynical crap put out by a company trying to make a quick buck it’s cheap it’s on sale around Christmastime and assholes on YouTube will shell out a buck 99 for that it was on sale when I wanted it’s ten dollars now do not pay ten dollars for this game this is the kind of shit that Jim sterling would play on his channel and he’d go on and on about how you shouldn’t buy it because it’s unity asset flip and it’s ripping you off but I believe in the idea that the consumer is smart enough to make good decision don’t tell me I’m crapping on some indie devs game and hurt the industry look at the store page look at this loading screen please tell me all about the artistic merit of this and the completely legitimate reasons the devs have put this woman on the loading screen the fun thing about shovelware titles like this is that the designers make a conscious effort to put its little game design as possible in them store bought assets check look fantasy pack medieval pack and mega packs one two and three takes no time to talk about really because every level is the same run around collect some guns sometimes get health occasionally the only reason you know what has anything to do with Christmas is that sometimes you see a Christmas present around and you can’t open it and then there’s Christmas trees and gifts at the end of each map just kind of shoved in there and that’s followed by about 30 seconds and loading [Music] we advise those watching at home to take this time to visit with family to drink to be married to share stories of good times with those you love to enjoy a holiday feast to not bother service employees forced to make you coffee instead of having the day off and to not stare awkwardly at that stock photo model because you should remember that she’s not real and if she were she would be very cold and probably in no mood for whatever depravity you would want to attempt on her it’s ugly as sin to look at I’m sure there’s ways to turn this stuff off not in the game that would be ridiculous you get low medium and high graphics settings they’ll look awful and run exactly the same on my GTX 1060 like shit [Music] and ten points off for not having any Christmas music if I could have decent royalty-free Christmas music soaked in this game there’s no HUD so you have no idea how much health or ammo you have at any given time eventually you die I assume it didn’t happen to me you take damage until your screen goes red in a heartbeat sound plays [Music] I played along for a while shooting the zombies you don’t really need to you could run past them there’s slow zombies and you can kill every single one of them with a single blast from your shotgun which has infinite ammo and there are maybe like four types of zombies honestly there’s more types of static buildings that serve no purpose have no items in them and are a waste of time now you walk through the woods for a bunch of levels or as I did because I got bored I just started running through the last couple of them I stopped when I saw this new type of zombie a zombie soldier cool he’s a real damage sponge [Music] oh no there’s a whole area full of guarding the exit oh no that’s it that’s the end of the game not even a Santa zombie but there was a clown zombie I don’t know if he’s any tougher I assumed he was some kind of mini boss because he showed up at the end of one of the maps he’s so slow I don’t actually have to kill him believe it or not this is exactly what the would sound like in the middle of winter bird singing crickets chirping it’s a plus good job next oh boy here we go a toss game made the month in German Christmas cartage is the story of the Easter Bunny caught in a violent bloody conflict with Santa Claus and his totalitarian Christmas forces he’s starting to Christmas village going Jack Torrance on all these snowmen who bleed the implications of this are troubling along with soldiers who were cousins of tech Wars digitized sprites [Music] this first level is giant and confusing thankfully I find a machine gun because otherwise I’d be dead and as far as I can tell there’s no way to save your game it’s one and done which isn’t a problem because once you get that machine gun the game gets a lot easier you get grenades too but this is more useful oh Jesus Santa Claus is literally doing a bunny Holocaust he’s as bad as hell at this point this is kind of like Wolfenstein with little verticality it’s weird and glitchy and Jesus Christ look at all the blood on the walls but for something made by one guy in a month I can’t be too hard on it it’s got actual design and gameplay compared to the last game this game just sounds bad in general [Music] [Applause] and I know there’s all this weird shit going on with the graphics I tried to fix it I just couldn’t Christmas presents are ammo but not all of them just some of them the other ones do nothing in getting your way they’re probably toys or something fuck that I got to level three in this game before I died to pit it’s just an unpleasant experience all around in level 1 you can find a map and you might have needed it for that area after that all the levels get a little more straightforward and easier to navigate I assume they’re all Santa’s torture dungeons cuz he has those you run around picking up keys and opening doors that’s about it I didn’t bother to play anymore after I died cuz it took me an hour to get that far it’s not worth it I assume the final boss is Santa Claus himself was a little more Janus idol that coca-cola makes him out to be [Music] [Music] he’s committed himself to exterminating the rabbit race merry fucking Christmas whatever I’ll give it a pass I’m not saying you should go out and play it but it’s a novelty it’s an interesting little experiment what’s next what’s that I hear upon the winter winds that voice why yes of course oh yes yes I remembered it’s here it’s the Duke come to have the best game of the episode but only by default Duke Nukem nuclear winter a whole new episode for Duke Nukem 3d Christmas theme sold in stores Duke Nukem was hot in the 90s kidz he had three commercially released expansion packs this one Duke it out in DC and Duke Caribbean life’s a beach I’m not even counting the plutonium pack because that’s just the atomic edition and that’s the one that everybody gets now and one of them is worth playing let’s not be too hard on the Duke I expect the day will come when we have to bury him Dukes super pissed off now because aliens and Santa’s elves and the feminist elf militia oh yeah I’m not touching that hey city high cancer mouse Merry Christmas oh thank you that’s very nice of you it’s so nice that we could say Merry Christmas again not like the dark times dark times oh I brought you a present semi oh okay American declined the dark times an argument for reasonable dude yeah okay I’m down with that what do I owe it’s only ironically racist the Jews are a wonderful thoughtful people generous and caring who have done great things for mankind in the fields of science technology comedy and creating a large suborbital device that controls the weather well there goes my patreon the deities were a different time man when you could just release a Christmas expansion pack we’re Duke Nukem fought evil elves you can get this expansion pack today if you buy the Duke Nukem 3d Megaton ax – oh wait no you can’t hahahaha fuck you Randy enemies where Santa hats there’s decorations everywhere and the strippers have little bows over their nipples the first two levels of this are mostly repurposed from two three DS episode 1 just in Reverse Dukes at the end of red light district playing poker with no one and now the aliens are back you might have seen the game grumps crew try to play this on steam train one time but they’re not good at old shooter so they said all the Duke needham games were there kind of weird oh my god whoa oh my god do you want to turn yeah sure [Music] she’s gone Wow they didn’t think you had a shotgun that being said nuclear winter throws some nasty shit at you pretty quickly and without warning sure I’m playing on come get some your ammo is a little tight and the replacement for atomic editions Pig cop tanks or snowmen tanks it’s funny because the sprites are bigger but the hitboxes are the same and the fat commanders are actually nerfed by being given a freezer instead of a rocket launcher there’s snowmen who throw snowballs at you who can usually be downed with one or two shotgun blasts same with the members of the feminists elf militia the feffy and the fam oh wow I just got that joke too one of years later the elves drop presence sometimes ammo sometimes armors sometimes health and it Forks the balance of the game a little bit but it’s Christmas can I talk about how the music is fucking garbage in this it’s all Christmas music mini Christmas music the kind that you’d find on some fucking geo city site in the 90s that you’d throw into your doom Christmas wad or something you think I’m fucking kidding [Music] is awful the enemies aren’t always a problem but the designers have ways to be a dicks to you anyway take level three for example the land of Forgotten toys where you get not one but two laser trip bomb traps that only activate when they’re right in front of your face I remember these from the first time I played this because they’re so dickish that they left an impression in my colon you got some environmental puzzles here like mediocre linguini land the build engine could teleport you to different map areas to simulate 3d space but it doesn’t make this any fun you take fall damage every time you go through a pipe and you won’t know the order the first time and I used to bunch my jet pack fuel to avoid it only to get to the bottom and find one sided Mario playing Mario Kart there’s also a remake of the first area of doom II e1m one here in the land of Forgotten toys and that seems pretty funny now since Dukes last outing was in 2011 and was this and doom had a game come out two years ago and once scheduled for next year and both of a big tube nukem look like a total bitch after that though it’s not too bad you have santa’s corporate headquarters which while it has some questionable design choices like whatever the fuck is going on with this force field room it’s not terrible there’s a couple of fun battles here and there [Music] whoa whoa wait what is this oh that’s one of the elves and they’re dual wielding shrink rays what the hell is the point of that you don’t need that much shrinkage to be effective hey you know what this Christmas expansion needed a sewer level you can at least dress it up a little bit put some Christmas lights up know the levels called the back door it’s the back way to Santa’s Village and it just happens to be a sewer this is gonna sound stupid nitpicky but you all made it this far so normally into 3d when you exit a level you hit the auto-destruct and I assume blow the place out because it’s the nineties and it’s awesome but in nuclear winter most of the levels just end abruptly without any notice except for two of them the back door and Christmas village you blow both those up thanks Duke you’ve said Santa and his entire operation back months possibly years by nuke and Christmas village here comes Santa Claus he doesn’t actually have claws so they wasted that pun but yeah there’s a bad MIDI version – here comes Santa Claus over it [Music] so you have found my secret plans now you must die it’s dukkha to Santa outfit perfect final boss Santa Duke why wouldn’t you let’s exploit his fucked-up build engine AI and trap him in the worst place imaginable the sewer [Music] so Duke Nukem rescued Santa and saved the day Merry Christmas children and season’s greetings okay is anybody else freaked out about how that snowman has arms made of human bones twas the night before Christmas and up at the pole all the monsters we’re bleeding from out of their holes then Santa proclaimed as he rode out of sight duke nukem kicks ass and to all a good night Merry Christmas I remember a time Duke Duke of kicked ass it’s been so long brings a tear to my eye like remembering a Christmas morning when you were a child and you went downstairs and under the tree was Duke Nukem and your mom and dad didn’t know there was like strippers and violence and shit in it they can’t put that stuff at video games that’s against the law in it when I was looking for Christmas games to do for this episode Duke Nukem nuclear winner showed up on a whole slew of best Christmas themed games list which tells you how dire the situation is when it comes to Christmas games I mean there’s one more I can think of [Music] you [Music]

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