Ghosts, Aliens and Santa: What Do You Believe? – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

Ghosts, Aliens and Santa: What Do You Believe? – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

I love when my mom has about
two drinks, because she really–
it’s the first time I see her really acknowledge
that she’s a cute lady. Yeah She’ll just have a little bit
more confidence and its nice to see.
And I miss that. Rayna loves it when I get drunk. She does? Well, there was a time where if I wasn’t working
on a Friday night I’d have a beer
and we’d play poker. And it was so fun to her
that she’d be like, -“Are you having a beer are you
gonna drink a beer?”
-Oh my gosh
-“Are you going to have a beer?” Rayna is how old? She’s 11. Yeah, so she’s like, “What’s
it going to do to you, Mom?” Like it’s going to change you. Well that’s actually a really
good understanding of alcohol. It’s not like just this beverage
you just drink because you’re thirsty. But it’s something that’s going
to make you a different person. And so she’s kind of
acknowledging, she’s like, “Mom are you
disassociating yet?” When Rayna was really little
and I would take her to shows, I would warn her about
the dangers of drunk women, because she’d be like two years
old sort of standing there at the end of the night
and they’d be like, “Oh my God, you’re so cute.” And want to pick her up
and you– The dangers of drunk women. All teetery on their high
heeled shoes. So I told her,
“They could fall on you. You have to stay away
from them.” That is such a good metaphor
for what they do. They’ll fall on you. They do, they fall on you. I don’t know how that turned
into me doing ‘Drunk Mom.’ I started doing impressions
of Drunk Mom. She’d always want to play it. She’d be like, “Do Drunk Mom.
Do Drunk Mom.” So I’d be like, “Get over here
little girl,” and… That’s so fun. And then, when she started
going to school, I was like, “Oh, shi–,” one time,
a teacher told me, they go, “I know everything
that goes on in your house,” because Rayna just babbles
I guess. So then I was like, “What if she
finds out about Drunk Mom?” Like, “My mom and I play this
game where she’s super drunk.” So then I had– Even if she told the truth, where she pretends to be drunk,
it’s like, “Oh, sounds like Mom’s
covering up some abuse.” Yeah. Because moms are always walking around
doing impressions. And so then I sat her down
and I was like, “You can’t tell anyone
about Drunk Mom.” Because I think
secrets are healthy. It was like a weird– I’m surprised I have her
this long, to be honest. Rayna is eleven. When did–
did she believe in Santa? Well she– oh my God. What’s happening with Santa? I thought, I think this was
two years ago, I thought that she was just
playing me with the Santa thing, so– As in she believes in Santa
and you thought “Oh yeah, Santa.” I thought she was pretending
to believe in Santa to get an extra present. And then, this is between
Thanksgiving and Christmas, her tooth fell out and I forgot
to put money under her pillow. So I just said to her– she goes, “The Tooth Fairy
didn’t leave money,” and I was like,
“You know what, I’m gonna tell you
two things right now.” I was just going to pull
the Band-Aid off. Right before Christmas? Yeah. I was just gonna let it–
I just thought she knew already. And she just lost a tooth? That’s the thing, yeah. She just lost a tooth.
It is, yeah. That’s when the Band-Aid
comes off for most kids I think, is that their parent forgets
to put money under the thing, and you’re like,
“I’m toothless, I just lost
two of my favorite people.” It’s your first sense of death. It really is. Well, by the way, the money
thing I was always forgetting and just taking from
her piggy bank anyway. I’d be like, “I”m not gonna go
to the ATM tonight,” hoping she didn’t keep track. “I just counted this yesterday,
and it’s $2.50 short.” So I said, “The Tooth Fairy’s
not real,” and I could see that thing
go across her face where she was like, “What?” and then,
“Oh, that makes perfect sense.” That kind of,
“Why didn’t I know that sooner?” And I go, “Wait did you know
that?” and she goes, “Yeah.” But you could tell
that she didn’t know it. So then I had to tell her,
she goes, “What’s the second thing?” And I didn’t– I just said,
“I’m not your real mom.” I was quick on my feet. Oh man.
Tom, when did you realize? Do you remember
when you found out? I think it was a slow drip. But I do remember the
Tooth Fairy thing came first, where I was like– because you know,
my mom worked nights. She didn’t have time think
about that shit. So yeah, sometimes I would
wake up and I would be like, “There’s no–”
and I realized slowly that I had to tell her my tooth
was lost for it to work. And we were losing teeth
left and right, permanent ones. So yeah, I just noticed. “I put fifteen teeth under
my pillow and I got nothing.” Yeah, I think I remember
how old I was. I had an inkling
that he wasn’t real, but I just wanted to believe
it for my sister’s sake. She’s a year
and a half younger than me. So I was in fifth grade, and listen,
it was already very– I knew.
I was a smart kid. I didn’t want to have
that talk with my parents. That was gonna be awkward. So I was keeping it going,
and I also– It’s weird. It’s confrontational
a little bit. Like, “Hey, look.
I know you’ve been fucking lying to me. Yes. That was it. And I didn’t want
to have that conversation. Yet I remember one time
asking my dad, “Is he real?
Just tell me, is he real? Just be honest with me.” You got him by his collars,
shaking him. Tell me the truth. Yeah, “You tell me, God dammit!” Slapping him– You’re following some conspiracy
theory down a rabbit hole You’ve got news clippings
on the wall Red yarn connecting This is the thing that–
the movies, I feel like
I was watching when Rayna was maybe
four or five, I was like, “Is she not getting that
every single movie is about the parents
not believing.” Like, “You’ve got to believe.” That’s the propaganda. If he was real,
there wouldn’t be any, “Hey, do you believe
or don’t you believe?” No, no, no, no, no. I disagree. I think that all those movies
are propaganda to get you to believe again.
Because it’s gonna say, “Listen, adults don’t believe,
but that’s broken adults.” And most adults aren’t broken.
And those who are good people, and haven’t been hardened
by the real world– Maybe Santa is real. Santa could be real. I love how she’s
got on her wall, that homeland wall,
with all of these– No, my dad went
to such elaborate– I remember one time, and I was
probably in third grade. He was watching
National Geographic and there was some expedition
in the North Pole. Not even in the North Pole,
it was just in a tundra. And there were people
I remember snow shoeing through. And I remember
my dad was like, “Nikki, come here
and watch this.” And I’m a kid. And he goes,
“They’re looking for Santa. This is an expedition
to look–” and if I would’ve watched it
for more than five minutes, I would’ve figured out
that he was lying and I would’ve known
Santa wasn’t real then, but I just bought it.
So he sold me a lot of things. There was National Geographic,
they were looking for Santa. Scientifically, it made sense
for me to believe. And my sister, the day I found
out Santa wasn’t real, my sister came home
from third grade. And my mom was at the sewing
machine in our living room, and I was on the couch.
And my sister just came in and threw her backpack
down on the couch and was like, “I know Santa isn’t real.
Our teacher told us.” Yes. Mrs. Wright. Third grade teacher
couldn’t believe that the kids
she was teaching didn’t know Santa wasn’t–
because half of the class knew. So she had them
raise their hands like, “Who doesn’t
believe in Santa.” And all the kids
raise their hand. Or she snapped at one kid
and was like, “You believe in Santa?” I just remember the quote that all of the parents
called about was, “Well I’m sorry to burst your
bubble, but Santa isn’t real.” And I just remember
“burst your bubble.” That was just the–
that’s what it felt like. It was like my bubble burst. Because my sister walked in,
threw down her backpack, and said, “I knew Santa’s real.”
And my mom was like, “Okay. Alright. Well.
Then now you know.” Just took it. And I was so mad because
I’m like, “That’s all it took?” Because I begged my dad.
I was like, “Is he real?” And I remember my dad’s foot
was shaking wildly. Because he was just like– I could tell her right now
or I couldn’t. He got this nervous
foot thing that I was like, “I know he’s lying.” And I believed for way too long. I was just–
and I believed in UFOs. And now I don’t believe
in anything. You don’t believe in UFOs? I don’t believe in aliens.
I don’t believe in ghosts. Me either. You don’t believe in aliens? No. If I did, I would be scared
all of the time. So I can’t believe in ghosts. I think ghosts might be real,
but if I accept that they are, then I will be terrified
any time I’m alone in any room. So my body can’t handle
the stress that there’s a world
where there are ghosts. Haven’t you been in alone
and scared of it. Like, “Make yourself known.
Just do it.” I kind of like it. I don’t know.
I like the idea. Sometimes I do feel lonely
and I’m like, “I wish this hotel room
were haunted. It would be– there have been
times in the room where I legit feel lonely enough
that I would enjoy a haunting. Yeah. My family believes
it so hard. They were telling me ghost stories about my grandma’s house
this week. They were like–
I never heard my brother say That’s the house
that’s very haunted, right? Yeah. There’s a girl who died
of polio in the garage– not the garage,
the attic or whatever. Oh, polio does leave ghosts. That’s the one thing.
That’s the only one. That’s why you don’t see
as many anymore is that they got rid of polio Because the polio people
are rich. They all ride on horses– Now there’s polo deaths, and you
haunt if you’re a polo death. Yeah. So tell me about what’s going on
at your grandma’s house now. What recent stories
have people told? The story that I heard is that–
there’s no recent– that’s why I have
trouble believing it. We’re going over ones that have
happened over the years. These are old. And my brother,
I saw my older brother this week and I hadn’t seen him
in a while, and he was confirming
all of these stories that my mom had told me before.
But also I remember as a kid, hearing stomping coming
from the ceiling. But part of me is like, “Maybe they just had
a guy living up there because of the rent
to save money or something.” Or you were being haunted
by a musical. Like Stomp. I heard a garbage can being
played very beautifully. It’s very melodic. Yeah, that is interesting. There are things you perceive
as a child with your child brain that you can’t make
sense of at the time, so you project ghosts onto it. Yeah.
I don’t know, because– Like my ghost uncle molested me. That is the thing
where it’s like– I had a memory of three men appearing in my other grandma’s,
my stepdad’s mom’s room. I feel weird since that’s
usually such a trashy statement: “my stepdad’s mom.” Saying, “Oh, my stepdad’s mom.” My stepdad’s mom’s boyfriend
sounds weirder. Because my grandma
used to have a boyfriend. It was always so weird for me
to say “my grandma’s boyfriend.” You just feel like,
what is that? But I remember three men
appearing in a room. And I think, maybe she just
got gang banged one night and it was like,
“Oh those were ghosts. That’s why you heard
all that moaning.” Yeah. Bonnie, have you
ever seen a ghost? No. But I think some people
are more in tune with that. I don’t think
I’m one of those people. I think I’m so grateful that
I’m not one of those people. But aliens, the threat
of being abducted as a child was just always with me.
Every time it got dark. It means you were abducted. A beam of light. They probably have you. You are probably
getting abducted every six to eight months. They erase your brain. I would love to be abducted
right now. Do you have little marks
on your body that you don’t know
what they’re from? No, but I don’t want them
to torture me. Like after a good night’s sleep
and be still super tired? Wait, yes. Oh my God. It explains it. Is this all I was always scared
of the Men in Black. And I found out about them
before that movie because I was obsessed with UFOs
and all this stuff and when they come
and get you to keep you quiet about a photograph
that you took. That’s based on a real thing? Yeah. My aunt originally told me
the Men in Black chased down her brother because he took
the closest picture of a UFO ever taken in Indiana with her little
Girl Scout camera. It was in the 70s.
And he took a picture and the men in black
showed up at their door to be like,
“Where’s the photograph?” And chased them down
on a highway, and they looked inside the car
at one point that was chasing them,
and there was nothing inside it. So these stories are family
stories that I heard– I heard these as a kid
and I’m like, “Oh my gosh. There’s men that will show up
and chase you if you’ve seen a UFO?” So I didn’t want to see one
because I don’t want this– I don’t want a hit out on me.
I was terrified. Right. Man, that’s crazy. It feels like aliens
are so obsessed with Indiana. There’s all kinds
of sightings there. They must love basketball. They do.

61 thoughts on “Ghosts, Aliens and Santa: What Do You Believe? – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

  1. No such things as Santa aliens or ghosts. I don’t care about space or aliens. Aliens are not real period my opinion.

  2. "Aliens" like in the movies? Nope.
    At the very least, cellular life somewhere out in the vastness of the universe? Most definitely.

  3. These chicks aren't that funny. I know I can do better and that actually brings me hope. Thankyou unfunny ladies that somehow got a show. Probably did some suckie suckie 4 sure.

  4. This is a great christmas present, I love watching these videos. I wish I could listen to the radio show, it's the only reason I'd get sirius.

  5. I don't know why ANYONE would think it's ok to lie to your children. EVER.
    Also, anything that requires "belief" is bullshit.

  6. Santa Claus also teaches poor children that they're bad because many of them don't even get a visit from Santa. Santa Claus teaches Rich children that they're good because they get a plethora of gifts.

  7. its silly to believe that there isn't constant traffic from alien species going to and from the earth all day, abducting people, taking plants, living in mountains, under water, in other dimensions, everywhere. it sure is not comforting to know. fuck comfort.

  8. Omega point Singularity- it’s silly to believe that there is alien traffic that goes from earth to other planets with little to no evidence of anything

  9. I don't believe in aliens but I'm still open to the possibility of aliens however why do they always have to be more advanced than us technically maybe where more advanced than them and we as humans are going to invade there planets seems much more likely to me

  10. I remember the exact moment I figured Santa out. Family lived far away and I had Christmas morning at one of their houses every year so we wouldn’t have to get up and travel so far on Christmas Day. We arrive at my uncles house and go downstairs to the game room and during the evening while playing hide and seek with cousins I find a cache of presents behind a couch in a cubby area I planned to hide in. Thought nothing of it until I woke up and all of those presents were mine.

  11. Aliens…statistically probable and equally statistically probable we will never see one.

    Ghosts…statistically improbable. Took 200,000 years for the population to hit 1 billion, and 200 to hit 7 billion. Since people believed in ghosts 200 years ago, if they were in fact real and people actually saw them back then, and given how many people have lived and died in the last 2 centuries (more than had ever collectively existed on the planet prior), ghosts would be EVERYWHERE and everyone would have seen one. They would be a fixture in our lives and verifiable scientific fact.

  12. Bonnie you should have told your daughter the truth! The tooth fairy is an alcoholic so sometimes the money is a bit late. >^.^<

  13. Ok seen this unfunny woman on so many podcasts! All my favorite comedians, please stop posting her, she is not funny, but annoying! Rather hear screaming children, then her talking, sorry!

  14. Santa is a spirit of selfless giving and takes many forms. Just because he isn't who you think he is doesn't mean he isn't real 🙂

  15. I heard people used to to dip bread in the gin to help baby to sleep! It works, but it is definitely a wrong approach!

  16. I’ve been binging this show since I just discovered it. It’s so great but every clip with this Bonnie person is such a drag, she is just the worst guest ever.

  17. your tricks keep you from entering into where pain exist. its to easy, its not even trying like yoda never pushing himself to the edge but taking the easy way out right before he even challenges himself. there is no try? what a pussy little green quitter scared to put his metaphoric balls out on the table with a darker then fuck blast try.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


Santa Claus and the Naugty List

Santa Claus and the Naugty List

Welcome to Kiwis to Pistachio, your One-Stop Vegan Guide. And today our family is celebrating Christmas Eve. So what we’re going to be doing is open up our stockings, to show that Santa Clause brought us something. He just came by in the sled, T.J. told us he was in the living room and left […]