I used to go on stage.
I have a bad knee, and I would go on stage
with a cane sometimes, and I was like, “I wonder if this
will get me that pity laugh?” And it was like,
“Hey, look at that guy, he had to hobble up there,” but then the next day
the weather would change and my knee would feel okay, so I couldn’t do it
all the time. I’d feel really bad
if I was like, “Yeah, no, sometimes
I need the cane.” But maybe something like that.
Maybe a neck brace. Holidays are a lot of work.
Let’s not dance around it. I mean,
it really is a lot of work. It is. That’s why these ecards
are the way to go. Do you know what that is?
We just email someone. You could just have said,
“Happy holidays,” but, no, it has to be some elaborate code
that you have to enter and you have to answer
two identity questions, and then you get to see a Santa,
Santa and a reindeer. It’s a lot of work
for nothing, but … Oh, I used to love those ecards when they first
came on the scene in 1998. Blue Mountain. I assume you could make it
your own, more of an erotic thing
than usual. Yeah? I don’t know. I’m not really big
on the web, but let’s see. Let’s go around the room here.
Who’s local? Who’s New York? Anybody?
Gridlock in effect coming up. Jenn’s local. Yes.
Jenn? I’m in New Jersey. There you go.
I consider that local. Yeah. So I assume you’ll go
to Asbury Park? Yeah, I do. What would your Christmas be? No, I stay in Somerset
by New Brunswick, so … Not bad. Just hang out there. You can treat yourself
to a night at the Stress Factory
if you’d like. Yes, yes.
Yes. Come early because the buffet,
they start it at six. Dave, what’s your holiday plan? Well it already passed.
Thanks, Nikki. It’s Hanukkah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that’s right. Is it done? So now, this is really just
a dead space for me. I hang low.
I noticed in the lobby there’s an elaborate
Christmas tree, a very tasteful yet practical
menorah off to the right. Is Hanukkah over? It definitely is over. Oh, damn. Okay. It was over 4000 years ago,
I think. It definitely never really got
the same power it used to. I don’t really
celebrate the holidays. Of course New Year’s,
I work on New Year’s. Do you work on New Year’s? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I’m going to be in Providence. I’m at Cincinnati Go Bananas. Yeah, yeah. Nice.
Sarah, you working New Year’s? No.
What are your plans? I’m going to go see
Margot Price. Who’s that? She’s a country singer. -Oh, nice.
-Where? Somewhere in Brooklyn. I forgot.
Joe got the tickets. Oh, that’s cool. Yeah. I wish I could just … I don’t know.
I always get scared that … I work all the time, because
I’m scared I have no fun plans. So that’s the thing. Do you get that moment
of loneliness where you just did the show,
and then it’s the countdown, and then everyone’s
kissing and hugging, and you’re just
standing there talking to the owner of the club?
It’s a sad time. About your numbers. Yeah. Not good. Well, the worst is
when you do a whole show, and then your show
ends at 11:48, and then the MC
has to go back out. I’ve done this a lot. Have you never had
to do the countdown? Yes. Well, I come back out on stage. The MC comes back up,
does some buffer time. I don’t ever know
why I can’t just end it and do the countdown
and then say goodnight. Yeah. I never had the buffer.
I’ve had to just do it. I’m always brought back up. Yeah. I just had to do it, yeah. It’s so awkward. And then, like you said,
everyone’s kissing, everyone’s celebrating,
and I’m hugging the MC and trying to give good
friend vibes to him. Right. I understand. That is the portrait
of a comedian right there. That’s the best, what do you
call it, allegory or whatever? I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever kissed
someone on New Year’s Eve. How about this? They pay you
extra to do the countdown? That’s a negotiation thing. Like I won’t do
the entire countdown. I’ll come in on a hard five,
four, three, two, one. You can let the opener
kind of get it going. I would love to do that. I also do it in … I do countdowns
around the world. I like to watch as it’s
New Year’s Eve around there and do it
in their language. Mm-hmm
Yeah. Where does it start?
In New Zealand. I like a nice woke New Year’s. You are busy that whole day
just counting down. Oh, yeah, absolutely.
You can’t get me away. But yeah,
that’s a tough night. I’d say that’s the worst night
to be a comic is New Year’s Eve.
That’s the worst one. Halloween? The second one
would be Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. Halloween, yeah, but that’s like
some places it’s a party, some places
it’s a train wreck, but it’s usually like no one
expects that much on Halloween, but New Year’s Eve,
they do. What about Thanksgiving?
Why Thanksgiving? Yeah, why … Yeah. Because it’s all families there,
and it’s always that weird … They’ll always tell you there’s
a lot of kids home from college so it’s going to be
a wild show, but it really just turns out
to be people bringing
their old relatives out, because they have nothing
to do with them. Yes, yes.
Yeah. We all agree on that one, or no? Yeah, no, that’s a good point. I guess I don’t really work
that often on Thanksgiving, but even just
the days around it- That’s true. It’s that similar vibe
of it’s all kids from back home. They’re all drunk and it’s
usually families begrudgingly. It’s tough. It really is. Yeah. What do you do? I have- Wait, I have more dates. Okay. Pearl Harbor, December 7th
is not that good for me. Arbor Day, brutal. Arbor Day, it’s a touch
and go kind of way. I would also say … Just Wednesday is never
any fun, any Wednesday. Any Wednesday is
really bad for comedy. Valentine’s Day, uch. Yeah, that’s a tough one. That’s another one
where you just feel lonely and what am I doing? And they don’t
really want to be … It’s not necessarily a good … There’s not first dates there,
but there are. I don’t know. And is that a really
romantic night out? I mean, I never really
understood that. It’s like we love each other,
now let’s go watch a comic. I could see if it was a musician
or something like that. Sure.
Yes. It’s a little different.
But, yeah, it is weird. Comedy, I’m always perplexed why people bring first dates
to comedy shows, because, although it’s what
I do for a living and I think it’s a great
form of entertainment, it can be awkward
for a first date. For sure.
I think so. It brings up subjects that you
just don’t want to get into yet. You don’t feel comfortable. Even me, I would feel
uncomfortable laughing at certain things
next to a boy I might be trying
to impress or like. Really? If it’s something gross, or a girl says
something on stage that’s really disgusting
about shitting her pants, and I relate to it
and I laugh, then this guy is thinking
about me shitting my pants, and that’s just not something
I want to have on a first date. Yeah, but he probably is also
on his best behavior, so he’s probably waiting to see
if you laugh at it, and then he’ll laugh at it.
So you won’t think he’s a creep. And then it’s like why bring
that energy into a first date
of having to even- Sure. So what’s the alternative?
What are you thinking? Trap room, or, I mean,
pick your own adventure? Those escape rooms, I can’t
think of anything worse. Well, Nikki, I really love that
you came on the Bumping Mics, and it was so cool
to see her in LA. And I grilled her
about living in LA, because you lived there
for a while. Yeah, yeah. And I thought it would be a
wild party, but it’s stressful. It was.
It’s a lot. Did you guys ever live in LA
or anything? No? No. Did you Sarah? No, you- I did for a year. Okay. And how was
your experience? I was an alcoholic
that whole year. I told Dave the same thing.
Oh, that’s good. That’s what I did.
That’s cool. drink, yeah. Yeah.
Do you think it’s … Have you ever … It’s one thing moving to LA
with all the hope and promise, and then moving away from LA. I think people
should make more of that. Yes. It’s like, “I’m done
with this town.” Yes. They should be able to do a rant
at the airport. You should be able to tape
an exit video. You’re leaving Big Brother,
something like, “This is great.” You should have a final.
That’s a good idea. Were you excited to get out,
or were you- Well, I’ve been back twice now. Yeah, you seem like- I moved there right out
of college, no money, and I was babysitting
and temping, and then I got
on The Tonight Show, and after three years of being
there I was on The Tonight Show, and I thought everything
would change, and I was still broke,
nothing changed, and then two months later
I had to move back home to St. Louis
to live with my parents. Oh. And then I moved back there
when I had a TV show, so it was a different
experience, and I was sober. But when I was living
there initially, I mean, I was drinking
so much every night, and I was driving home from …
I was flirting with a DUI. That’s why I really had
to get out of that town. I did not have $10,000
to get a DUI. I was driving buzzed one block
home from Residuals, the bar in- Yeah. I know that bar. … The Valley, where you can go and bring a residual check
under a dollar. Oh, you lived in The Valley. Yeah. I lived in The Valley. But I am so lucky I got out
of that town without a DUI, because that was in
the works for me. Hey, you know what? I think that’s good
that you got out of there. New York is a more
drinking friendly town. -Yeah.
-Yeah. Oh, my God, it was amazing
to come here, and … You haven’t drank for a while,
though, right? No. Decades now, but-
Decades now? I was wondering why you picked
to come back East instead of going,
“You know what? I’m in LA already,
let’s give Hawaii a shot.” I’d think about it.
Well, because there’s- Good Morning, Maui. You could have been the host
of that show for a while, and then worked your way
onto the new Magnum P.I. There’s a lot of new shows
out there. NCIS Pearl Harbor,
whatever it is. Could you imagine the people who
were on these TV shows there, and they’re just hanging out
waiting for the next one? What do you mean?
The shows that shoot there? In Hawaii.
Like Lost and stuff? Like the actors and stuff. Yeah. Like Lost, exactly.
That’s what I was looking for. I think it would amazing
to be out there. Well, then you just
come back to- Me? To be out there shooting a show,
to live in Hawaii, my dream is- You would like that? I would love to get on a show
and go be forced to live in Vancouver, or Denver, or …
I- -Are you a beach person?
-No. I thought you didn’t like
the sun. No, not at all. I would never even go out
in the sun, but I want the opportunity
to live other places than New York or LA. Okay. Just for a couple months
at a time. How about England?
Would you do that? Sure. I haven’t been there. What’s your take on it
over there? I was there years ago. I think it’s more
of a Hollywood England now than it was
when I was there. Oh, yeah? Now, it’s like everybody
there is on our TV shows or hosting our TV shows, so it’s really probably
the same thing. But I heard a lot
of comics love it. It’s a really good place
for comedy, so maybe that’s the way to go,
I don’t know. Do you like … I get this all the time,
but where are the best crowds? What’s your favorite city?
I hate that question, but I feel like you have
a good answer to it. I don’t know, I seem to do
really well in DC. Yes. And I think that’s
both the smart … You get the people from Virginia and you also get the DC people,
so it’s a good mix. Yeah, that’s a good point. Love DC. San Francisco, that area
still has a good kick to it. When you get out
of the IT world, and that used to be a real
incubator of great comics, so I still always have a soft
spot for SF and that area, but I would say anywhere where
I can actually get a crowd. Hilarities in Cleveland,
I always do really well there. That’s good. And they’re usually a really
cool crowd, not as much moaning
and groaning. I’d say that New York and LA are
the most sensitive of the towns, so it’s tough to work
on new material here, but it still is- Is it the tourists here?
I really don’t know. I think it’s a combination
of just like a lot of people were working all day long, and it’s hard for them
to turn off their filter to really get it. But then there’s people who come
from all over the country and they want to hear
New York comedy, so it’s kind of a hard balance.
What do you guys think? I think LA, it’s just … I mean, we were at the Laugh
Factory on Saturday night. Yeah, that was a good show
though, you killed it. It was a good show,
but it was like it’s … We were talking about it,
it’s like there is no audience like that anywhere else.
In LA or- Right, that LA audience,
yeah. Yeah, it’s- They’re pretty spoiled, because
they do get a lot of celebs. If you go
to the Comedy Store, within two hours
you’ll see five great comics. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they are spoiled. Yeah.
That’s a good point. But I always say
about New York, it’s like you become
a better comic here, not just because
of the stage time, but because you have to follow,
and I always give your name, you have to follow people
like Dave Attell, and you watch him
and you’re like, “Well, I got to step it up.” Whereas in LA you’re following
really famous, good comedians, but people are a little bit more
just phoning it in, just messing around. They’re not bringing it
as hard as New York comics, and, here, you just have to … You go,
“Unless I try super hard, I’m not going to be able to
follow Dave Attell in any way,” and so it forces you
to become better. Yeah, but you’re killing it,
and- Because of you. … in New York,
the good thing about it is it starts so much later, whereas in LA,
which is what I hate the most, it’s like, “Hey, we got you
some spots tonight.” “What time?” It’s like,
“Okay, we got an 8:30.” I’m like, “8:30?
Man.” Yeah, you love the late spots. I love it later, so you can do
everything else and get a sleep in and all that. I like that, yeah.
I don’t like it early. Yeah, you always
close out the shows. I’m like, “How does he I don’t close them out anymore. I’m lucky I don’t have
to do that anymore. Well, yeah, you come in
pretty late though, but do- Yeah, I like to do
the late show, but that used to be
the coolest show. Now, I’d say
that’s just like … You really do get a … It’s a grab bag, you never know
what is a good show anymore. Who’s going to be crowd
that kicks it. Sorry. I know.
It is all over the place, but there’s so many rooms
there now at the Cellar. That Fat Black I love. Yeah, that’s great.
That is cool. And then the Village
Underground, it’s like I love that.
That can be so hot too- So good. … with the music
and everything. Well, here’s a town that
I’m sure you’ve played, but there really is no club
is New Orleans. Yeah.
Have you played there? Yeah. I’ve done a rock venue,
but no club. Why is there no club? Yeah, there’s no club there. There’s just too much
other entertainment down there. Yeah. And let’s not dance
around it, Voodoo. I mean, there’s
some kind of weird, never interview
with a vampire, never have a laugh house
in this town. But, yeah, no, there’s just
too many other things going on. But that would be
a cool place to go. Like when I played
the Comedy Cellar in Vegas, that was cool. I was like, “That’s great
that they have a venue here,” because Vegas
was another place where, unless you could sell out
2000 seats or you work with a tiger, there was no in
between in Vegas, really. It was just either horribly sad
comedy or big arena comedy. Dave?
Yeah? How do you keep track
of all your jokes? Oh, that’s an
interesting point. Yeah. You have so many,
and there are so many that I bring up to you
all the time, like, “That one.
Do you ever do that?” And you’re like,
“Oh, I haven’t thought … Do you write them all … Do you have notebooks?
Do you have it in your phone? Well, I have two people
that work with me. One handles my jokes, the other
one handles my zingers. So I have them
on two different phones. No, I used to do the notebook
like everybody else. Sure. And then I still tape
every show, but I can not honestly say
I listen to every show, and that is really
the most painful thing to do, is to listen to your horrible
jokes doing horribly in a place somewhere you don’t
even remember. You’re like,
“What? Where was that?” I know. And that, to me,
is the real work of comedy, is listening to your tape. But, yeah, I don’t do
the notebooks anymore. I write them down,
but, really, it’s more about when I look at my work on sheet, which is these are jokes that
have not been working for years, I look at them and it’s like,
“Oh, man, I can’t believe I still haven’t gotten
a vitamin joke,” you know? Yes. And then when I get one,
I’ll use it, and then it’ll stop working and it has to go back
on the work on sheet. So that sucks. Yeah, the work on sheet. I don’t even have
that actual sheet, but we talk about it
all the time. It’s that joke you do on stage,
and you go, “Oh, that’s been a placeholder,
that punchline has been a placeholder for six years,”
and I’ve always been like, “Think of something
more specific and better,” and you just never do,
it’s always just a C. Yeah, because in your brain, that is now the stop
of that thought, and it’s really hard
to take it out of there, and sometimes you’re like,
“Oh, maybe if the joke bombs, if I can make it bomb, and then that’ll activate
something else in my head.” -Yeah.
-Yeah. But I notice with
the younger crowds now, they’re kind of joke averse. If it’s too jokey for them,
they get all whatever, but if it’s too raw,
they get all nervous and all that stuff,
so it’s like this fine line. But I will say one thing,
is that in LA, tags, don’t bring them. Really? For some reason I had
three shows where I was doing tags on jokes,
and they were like, “We already laughed
at your joke, dude, move onto the next thought.”
I was like, “Wow.” That’s interesting, I’ve never
thought about that one before. Maybe it’s just probably me. No, that’s probably a thing.
I think you’re so right though about they want something
in between of set up ,.. They don’t like to see
the work in it. They don’t want you to just,
essentially, read a Tweet, but if you share
something too raw … There’s been times
where I’m like, “Something happened yesterday,”
and literally yesterday. We always say yesterday,
but it’s not yesterday. Yeah. And they can sense that it was. They’re like, “We can smell
the jizz on you.” -Oh.
-You know what I mean? Like you haven’t showered
since that joke, and they’re grossed out,
and I’m almost like, “Do you guys want me to give you
more distance from that and say it was last week,
as opposed … Because if it’s too raw, you’re
right, they kind of recoil. It doesn’t even have to be
salacious stuff. No, of course, yeah. It could just be something
inappropriate and I can just
feel them pulling away. Yeah.
What do you guys think? I don’t know, sometimes I feel
like they’ll recognize that maybe I’m too angry,
if it’s a personal … -Okay.
-Yeah And it doesn’t read funny, it just sounds like
you’re just bitter. Yes. Yeah. It really tricks them,
I’ve found, if you just … Laughing at your own jokes,
I know, it’s the most repulsive thing to watch a comic enjoy
their own set, but it really does trick
audiences into liking you more. Oh, yeah. It’s such a trick. Until now. You just let it out. Any other game cheats
you want to let go?