Santa Claus Is Getting Sexier

Santa Claus Is Getting Sexier


CHRISTMAS IS ONLY 11 DAYS AWAY, WHICH IS NOT A LOT OF TIME TO
CHECK THINGS OFF ON YOUR CHRISTMAS TO-DO LIST.
YOU HAVE TO DECORATE YOUR TREE.
YOU HAVE TO GO SHOPPING, AND YOU HAVE TO GO SEE SANTA AT THE
MALL. [LAUGHTER]
HOWEVER, IF YOU LIVE IN PORTLAND, OREGON, YOU MIGHT BE
A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED IF YOU GO TO THE
PIONEER PLACE SHOPPING CENTER, WHERE THEY’VE HIRED A “HIPSTER”
SANTA CLAUS, COMPLETE WITH A VINTAGE SWEATER AND A MAN BUN. [LAUGHTER]
THAT’S COMPLETELY REAL. THAT IS REAL.
NOW I HAVE GOT TO SAY — HONESTLY, I DO HAVE A PROBLEM
WITH THIS. I DON’T WANT TO SOUND TOO
TRADITIONAL, BUT YOU HAVE TO DRESS AS SANTA IF YOU’RE SANTA.
[LAUGHTER] OTHERWISE, MY KID IS JUST
WAITING IN LINE TO SEE SOME OLD DUDE.
[LAUGHTER] DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? “HAPPY WINTER, KIDS! WANNA SIT ON A GUY?”
[LAUGHTER] HAVE A LOOK AT THAT PICTURE
AGAIN. LOOK.
IT LOOKS LIKE PORTLAND GOT THIS SANTA AT A FLEA MARKET.
THIS SANTA LOOKS LIKE HE WOULD DELIVER PRESENTS ON DECEMBER 27
AND JUST SAY, “SORRY, I TOTALLY SPACED.” SORRY. BUT PORTLAND ISN’T THE ONLY
PLACE THAT WENT WITH A NON-TRADITIONAL SANTA THIS
YEAR. CHECK OUT THIS MALL IN TORONTO
THAT’S BEEN PROMOTING A HOT “FASHION SANTA.” LOOK AT HIM! [APPLAUSE]
I KNOW! NOW WE KNOW WHO MARIAH CAREY
WROTE “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU” ABOUT. ISN’T THIS GOING TOO FAR?
I MEAN SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP WAS ALREADY SEXUALLY
CONFUSING. [LAUGHTER]
ISN’T SANTA SUPPOSED TO BE FOR KIDS AND NOT PARENTS?
“MOM, CAN I GO SIT ON SANTA’S LAP?”
“AFTER MOMMY, DARLING. [APPLAUSE]
WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME ABOUT THIS IS HE’S TAKING A ROLE AWAY
FROM A BIG GUY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY
ROLES A BIG GUY CAN PLAY.
YOU HAVE SANTA CLAUS, MALL COPS, AND
ANNE HATHAWAY’S EFFEMINATE BEST FRIEND IN A MOVIE. “HE SAID
WHAAAT? WE’RE GONNA GET THAT MAN,
BITCH.” [APPLAUSE]
I KNOW. I’M PERFECT CASTING FOR IT.
WHAT? LET’S GO.
BUT I WORRY ABOUT HOW THIS HOT SANTA IS GOING TO GET WORK
AFTER DECEMBER 25. A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT
BEING GOOD LOOKING CAN HURT A MAN’S CAREER BECAUSE THE PEOPLE
IN CHARGE OF HIRING SEE ATTRACTIVE MEN AS A THREAT.
YEAH! SO IF YOU’RE A MAN WHO WAS
RECENTLY HIRED FOR A NEW JOB, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU’RE HIDEOUS.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
I REALLY THINK THERE IS SOME TRUTH TO THIS STUDY. I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
I LOOKED AROUND THE OFFICE AND I REALIZED THAT I ONLY HIRE
GUYS THAT ARE MUCH UGLIER THAN I AM.
ISN’T THAT TRUE, GAVIN ON CAMERA ONE?
ISN’T IT TRUE CAMERA TWO, MARCO? RIGHT, TREVOR? [APPLAUSE]
DON’T WORRY, GUYS. YOU HAVE GREAT PERSONALITIES.
THEY HAVE.

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