(dramatic music) (upbeat music)
– Hey, beer me. (footsteps clank) Thanks for not draggin’ your ass, honey. I appreciate the prompt service. – [Bartender] Yeah. (coins clank)
♪ Hard feelings ♪ – Hey.
(old man sighs) What’s happenin’?
♪ Hear they let go ♪ Nothing much, huh?
♪ That I know, you must be ♪ – Do I know you?
– Oh, no, no, no, no. No, we’ve never met before,
but given the opportunity, I bet I could brighten up
your day or your evening, to be exact.
– Yeah, how is that? ♪ If you wonder ♪
– Well, I got a story you aren’t gonna believe (laughs). – Look, if you’re asking
for even a dirty dime, you’re wastin’ your time here. – (laughs) No, no, no, no,
I’m not askin’ for money. I’m not drunk, this is my first beer. No, I just saw you walk in, and I was sittin’ over
there by my lonesome. And says to myself, self,
that looks like a guy that could use some company. – Yeah, I don’t need no company. – Oh, sure, you do. I know it that we need company. ♪ My tremblin’ fingers ♪
– What are you some kind of weirdo homo?
♪ Been places ♪ – Now, why would you say that, huh? I mean, do I look like one?
– Yeah, as a matter of fact. – Oh really, well.
♪ I’ve been waiting ♪ You look like the kinda
guy that would love to hear a first class story,
and that’s just the type of story that I got for
you, it’s first class. – Jesus Christ, is this gonna take long? – No, no, no, no, no, I’ll
keep it short, I promise. Can you get him another one?
– Alright. ♪ Tell him you don’t ♪
– So. You ready for this? (singer hums)
(upbeat music) I’m a spy.
♪ Take you tender kisses ♪ Yep, you heard me.
♪ I can tell you ♪ Probably not the type that
you’re thinkin’ of, you know? No double ops stuff and
not working for the CIA or the KGB or anything
like that, no, no, no, no. I work for Madiplik, actually. ♪ I can feel ♪
Yeah, you probably never heard of them, mm, few have. Just us Martians.
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ – Huh?
♪ If you’re wondering ♪ ♪ If tomorrow ♪
– I’m from Mars. ♪ Love you like I love you ♪
– (laughs) Bullshit. What have you been smokin’?
– Nope, I don’t smoke. – Mhm, so you’re just a
batshit shit crazy loon, then? – See, I had a feeling that
you wouldn’t believe me. – Yeah, ’cause there ain’t
no such thing as Martians. They already proved there
ain’t no life on Mars. I saw it on the TV, so
so much for your story. (man blows raspberry) – Well, it doesn’t matter
what the scientists on TV say, or what the space probes think they know. I’m from Mars.
♪ You’ve never met ♪ We’ve been monitoring your
planet for many, many years, and now that you guys landed up there, figured things were a little
too close for comfort. So decided to beat you
to it, come down here. I’m apart of what you might
call the Advanced Landing Force, a spy, so to speak. See, we’re not visible to
your satellite cameras. It has something to do
with the light waves and an ability that we have to kinda blend into the landscape, chameleon
like, you might say. Sort of like those little
lizards you guys have runnin’ around out here.
♪ I spoke ♪ Yeah, we’d just scare
ya if ya saw us anyway. We’re pretty strange lookin’.
– Strange lookin’? – Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, this. This isn’t the real
me, this is just a body that I had made up out
of a synthetic compound. ♪ She walks ♪
It doesn’t matter. Just when I’m down here, I’m
just an ordinary looking guy. – Why should I believe
even one word that you say? You don’t look like or
sound like no damn Martian. – Well, it’s because I
know your culture well. Studied it for some time. Harry S. Truman was the 33rd president. ♪ No ♪
Detroit Tigers won the 1984 World Series. Last year, Sophia was the
most popular girl’s name. Big Mac has 540 calories. Coke’s more popular than Pepsi. ♪ I don’t know ♪ The domestic house cat has
18 claws, I can keep goin’. – Look, I don’t even know
if you’re right or not. – (laughs) Oh, trust me, I am. And you know what else? I even got a job down here on Earth. (old man laughs)
Yeah, it pays. Pay’s not too shabby.
– Well, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. And you’re tellin’ me all this ’cause? – I’m tellin’ you this
for one simple reason. ♪ When it comes ♪
We can adapt to pretty much everything on this planet. Even all this oxygen, but
the food, that’s a problem. We find alcohol agrees
with us pretty well, but the food just makes us sick. Kinda like if you went down to Mexico and ate something off a
street vendor’s cart and then. ♪ Ooh, it’s you ♪
It’s like that. You know like, for us, it’s way worse. ♪ Tonight wells blank ♪
So blood is the ticket. – Blood?
– Yeah. Human blood to be exact. (old man laughs)
Yeah. I know, find that funny, huh? Vampires from Mars.
– Yeah. – Does sound like a pretty
horrible sci-fi flick, right? See, the thing is, ooh,
ooh, ooh, hey, buddy. You alright?
– Yeah, I’m alright. I’m not drunk or nothing. – Yeah, I don’t think this
beer here’s too strong. Yeah, just put your head down on the bar. – Yeah, I can’t feel my–
– Yeah. You’re weak now and I understand why. – You do?
– Yeah. I know exactly why. It’s this little tube I got. It comes out of my side
through this slit in my shirt. I stuck it in you when I sat down here. It doesn’t hurt, you know? It’s got a special coating on it. It’s why you didn’t notice. Actually, if you could see me
without this human shell on, you’d see I’m cover in the things. Like a big, slimy jellyfish,
you know, only cuter. (old man gasps)
There’s no use tryin’ to call out.
♪ All they’ll only say ♪ I mean, the muscles in your throat, they won’t be strong enough
to make your voice work. They’re paralyzed, the
fluid that keeps the tube from hurting you, it
also deadens the muscles and nerves in our body while
allowing me to draw your blood. ♪ Lone star ♪
(overlapping chatter) These people lookin’ over here right now. They’re not thinkin’ a thing about it. They can’t see the tube from this angle. They just see me smilin’, and you lookin’ like a passed out drunk. They think it’s pretty funny, actually. I mean, they’ve seen drunks before. (old man sighs)
That’s it. Just relax. Go with the flow as you people say. There’s nothing else you can do but that. There’s not gonna be a
drop of blood left in you in a few seconds anyway.
(old man exhales) There. I have finished. (hands clap)
Yeah, I feel like a million bucks, yeah. I don’t know if you can
still hear me or not, but I’m gonna take that tube out now. ♪ All I can hear ♪
And there we go.
♪ Would be here ♪ Hey, well, thanks for the nourishment. I hope you know it’s nothing personal. I’ll take care of these
beers, the least I can do. (hands clap)
Happy trails. ♪ Hear them running ♪ ♪ To try and stop me ♪ ♪ They’re shouting oh no ♪ (soft music) – [Announcer] Watch Dust. Like this video. Subscribe for new visions
of the future every week. It is the business of the
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