Dear men, know that this is the truth – this world is in haste, and it approaches its end, and it is ever worse and worse. We are beset on all sides by darkness, shadows, and wanton heathenism, and surely the time of the Anti-Christ is nigh. The time of the Millennium is upon us, brothers and sisters, and there is need that bold men and women rise to meet the coming threats. And yet, my dear brethren – and know that this is truth – the people have gone astray and we have raised a generation not of men, but of snowflakes. With such a generation, what hope do we have of facing the many and manifold threats to our nation? In other lands, they raise armies and navies against the enemy, but all too greatly and often our coffers have run dry, from selfish and reckless spending: on avocados and frappuccinos, hummus and Starbucks, quinoa; near and far they fritter away their wealth. And do they care for the needs of their nation? Shamefully they do not – rather their lusts are consumed by Nando’s and Caffe Neros, sushi and chai tea – it is quickest to say that they care only for themselves and their fleshly appetites. This wanton generation despises not only their country, but even their own language! They use vain and empty words all too much and often: like and lol; basic bitches and peng tings – but these peng tings are far from art! These youths, easily awed by this world’s vain glitter, deem things “iconic” which are mere graven images and empty idols. Even worse, they know this, they invoke even heathen gods when they praise things as “low key”. They do not understand the realities of the world, as their elders do but, being like mere children, they know only memes and “moods”, doggos and doges, boops and borks, hecks and GIFs – let him understand this nonsense who is able! They live not in the world, but in their phones – they care for nothing but selfies and emojis, Whatsapp, Snapchat, these screens become as hellish portals, drawing them astray with kittens and “good boys” – and yet they are chained to the filth of the world. Therein they wallow, corrupting their minds and souls with Tumblr and Bumble, Tindr and Grinder, sex pics and Netflix, with which they chill and earn the fires of hell. Let he who sees the dangers understand! And what, dear brothers and sisters, is the remedy to this? It is all too simple and easy. We must put our trust in God, and lay aside the vanities of this generation – let us lay aside the temptations of avocado toast and minibreaks, let us buy property, let us be satisfied with casual employment, for only then will God cease to be wroth with the snowflake generation, and will turn aside his burning ire, that our race is not melting beneath his gaze. May God have mercy on us all! Amen. At least the dignity of the office is still intact. My lord Wulfstan, Archbishop What the hell is that? Your vestments for the Grammys tonight, sir My what? Your vestments for the Grammys You’re kidding me!