The Roast of Santa Claus

The Roast of Santa Claus


-Christmas is a week away,
and I’m so excited. I love the decorations,
the parties, the food. Maybe a little too much. After New Year’s, I’m gonna have
to buy a bunch of new pants. And Spanx. [ Clears throat ] But there is one thing
I’m a little fed up with — Santa. I mean,
let me get this straight. He’s watching us all year
to see if we’re naughty or nice? Judging us? Creeping on us? Who made him so powerful? You know, I think it’s time
that we take him down a peg. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. So I’ve gathered some
of my favorite comedians to help me present
“The Roast of Santa Claus.” [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Oh, yeah! Now, to get this started, why don’t we welcome our
esteemed panel of roasters. Give it up for Kurt Braunohler,
Beth Stelling, and Ron Funches! [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. ♪♪ [ Barking ] ♪♪ And, of course,
we’ve got the man of the hour. You know him. You love him. The big guy himself, Saint Nick,
a.k.a. Father Christmas, a.k.a. Kris Kringle,
a.k.a. Santa Claus! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho! -Yes! Ah. Welcome. Welcome. Now, I’d like to kick things off
by saying a few words. Santa. Santa. You’re old, fat, white… and wear a red hat. In other words,
you’re a Trump supporter. -Aw. [ Laughter ] -You have a whole workshop
full of elves making millions and millions
of presents and delivering them overnight? Wow. Wow. I guess there is someone who exploits his workers
more than Jeff Bezos. [ Audience oohs ] Speaking of elves,
do you look at Kevin Hart as the one who got away? [ Audience ohhs ]
-Absolutely. -You also go by the name
Kris Kringle. Is that German? I mean, that makes sense
since you decided to take a job in which you deliver toys to
every boy and girl in the world except the Jews. [ Audience ohhs ] -These are hot.
-Ohh. -And — [ Laughs ] -Whew. -And apparently you’re immortal, and you have magic powers
and the ability to see everything
that’s happening all the time. Way to stop Hitler, idiot. [ Laughter ] By the way, Santa, question. Why are you so jolly
all the time? I mean, you haven’t seen
your [bleep] in centuries. [ Audience ohhs ]
-Whoa. -But in the end, Santa,
in the end, you’re the reason kids
on Christmas have so many toys. You’re also the reason
Mrs. Claus has so many toys. Have sex with your wife, Santa! [ Laughter ] [ Clears throat ] Well, I’m officially
on the naughty list. My bad, my bad. Time to turn things over
to the professionals. Give it up for Kurt Braunohler! [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Santa.
-Kurt. -You know, Santa, this is
our first time meeting, but I always thought you
would smell like peppermint, but, nope. You smell like day-old lunch
meat and crushed-up Viagra. You’re a gross piece
of [bleep], Santa. And don’t ask me how I know what
crushed-up Viagra smells like. [ Laughter ] Santa, you’re a hermit
who lives isolated from society making toys for children
you’ve never met whose houses you break into
while they sleep. Santa, the only list
you’ve made this year is a predator watch list. -Oh, ho, ho. I did. [ Laughter ] -Santa, you look like a member
of ZZ Top that let himself go. And their whole thing was that
they already let themselves go. [ Laughter ] Thank you, thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Hey, Santa,
I don’t think “jolly” is the compliment
you think it is. The only other “jolly” guy out
there is a pantless Green Giant who keeps begging kids
to eat his big old beans. [ Audience ohhs ] In closing, [bleep] you, Santa. [ Cheers and applause ] -Whoo! Oh! [ Laughs ] Oh, thank God Mrs. Claus
isn’t here to see this, huh? Let’s keep this thing going. Our next roaster
is Beth Stelling! [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Thank you,
thank you, thank you. Hey, Santa, do you know what
every kid wants for Christmas? -What?
-Me neither, but I know it’s not a wooden rocking horse,
you old, out-of-touch bitch. -Ohh. Oh, ho, ho, ho. Come on, Beth. -You know what —
You know what else shakes like a bowl full
of jelly? Your wife when
I have sex with her. [ Audience ohhs ] -Geez.
-Beth! -Okay, nobody ever asks this,
but how many elves have you accidentally crushed
when sitting your tank ass down on the couch? -[ Chuckles ] Four! [ Laughter ] -Honestly, Santa,
I feel bad for you because malls are closing
all across America. Where can people come find you? The only person who’s met more
kids in the mall is R. Kelly. [ Audience oohs ] You should ask him. Honestly, we should ask him
where we can find more kids. At the end of the day, Santa,
you’re just like us. You can’t lose weight
no matter how hard you try. You don’t like to shave. And 364 days out of the year,
you’re having sex with reindeer. -Oh, ho, ho!
Oh, ho, ho, ho! -Who doesn’t —
Who doesn’t love bestiality? Thank you, Santa. I love you. [ Applause ]
-Yes! Oh. I’m so, so sorry, Santa. But it’s not over yet! Give it up for Ron Funches! [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, man! Oh! Santa.
-Ron. -Oh, it’s good to see you again. Oh, me and Santa go way back. People don’t know it, but I saw
my mama kissing Santa Claus, but I didn’t say anything
because I wanted a Sega Genesis. [ Laughter ] I mean, Santa, how do you do it?
How do you do it? You only work one day a year,
you break into peoples’ homes, you love ho’s. I mean… You’re like the world’s
coolest meth addict. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Yeah! [ Laughs ] And speaking of drugs,
can we all admit we know why Rudolph’s nose
was so bright? [ Laughter ]
I mean, the other reindeer didn’t hate you
because you were different. They hated you
because you cornered them at the office party, and
you won’t shut the [bleep] up! [ Laughter ] Santa, you’re not a good dude. Your elves do all the work, and then you take
all the credit and profit. What are you gonna do next?
Manage Kesha? [ Audience oohs ] -Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho, ho! -Free Kesha! [ Laughter ] Santa, last but not least,
I have to say this from the bottom of my heart, and from every single parent
that has ever existed… [bleep] you. [Bleep] you, Santa! Why should you get all the
credit when I work my ass off all year round
just for my son to think that you built him
a PlayStation? Like you just know coding now.
Like you know soldering now. You don’t know
that [bleep], Santa! I bought that PlayStation! [ Cheers and applause ] -And — Ohh. Wow! Just wow. [ Laughs ] But a roast always ends with the guest of honor
getting to have the last word. So it’s time for
the one, the only… Santa Claus! [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, ho, ho! Thank you, Lilly. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Time for me to roast
all of you ho, ho, ho’s. Oh, Ron Funches is here.
Ron Funches. Ronald, Ronald, Ronald.
How are you, Ronald? Good? Yes, yes. Ron, you like weed
I’m told, yes? The only thing higher than Ron
here is Santa’s blood pressure. [ Laughter ] I’m not surprised
that Ron is here. No. Nope, since based on his
material, he’s the only standup who can still
really believe in me. [ Laughter ] Kurt Braunohler
is here, as well. Kurt.
-Hi, Santa. Santa. -Kurt is here, which means
that every single other male, white comedian
has passed on this one. [ Laughter ] Kurt, Kurt, you are so white,
you look like, well, you’re either about to publish
an article on Breitbart or shoot out of Santa’s [bleep]. [ Laughter ] Santa went there.
Santa went there. [ Laughter ] Beth Stelling. Beth Stelling. Beth, you have two albums out. We’ve all heard them,
of course, yes. They’re called “Sweet Beth”
and “Simply the Beth.” Yes. Wow. They’re so good. I can’t wait for the third one
to come out — “Out of Beth.” [ Laughter ] Enough.
-What about “Crystal Beth”? Or like —
-Cryst– That’s for Santa. [ Laughter ] Beth Stelling, of course,
is here tonight because the casting director
here loudly slammed their fists on the table and said,
“Get me a less-funny Tina Fey!” [ Laughter ] [ Audience oohs ] Lilly. Lilly. Well, you’ve made
the impressive leap from getting millions of views on YouTube
to having a network TV show… that gets hundreds of views
on YouTube. [ Laughter ]
-True, true. [ Laughter ] -If you guys don’t know,
Lilly, uh — Well, Lilly,
she sings, she raps. She kind of does it all. Well, at least that’s
what the bathroom stall in the men’s room said. [ Laughter ] -I know my strengths
and weaknesses. -Lilly, that’s it.
Thank you very much. -Oh! Thank you! Whoo! [ Cheers and applause ] Well. My childhood
is officially ruined. Thank you to our comedians
and thank you to Saint Nick. You slayed! That was
“The Roast of Santa Claus.”

82 thoughts on “The Roast of Santa Claus

  1. I know her outfits were a challenge the entire season, but this finally looks better. Some of them were really just straight up against anything she can rock.
    I wish she could be a guest on Tan's show. Hopefully it will happen next year.

  2. By the think of it though_ In some type of reasons you look better in black Lilly that will be my favorites from you even though you can sport any kind of colors. Those ear rings with your hair platted up is nicely done. But! Nice job & thanks, for playing video.

  3. Red suit.. smells like fire… has an army of pointy eared minions.. teaches kids to be greedy… distracts from the birth of Jesus… demands a yearly sacrifice of cookies and milk…

    Clearly, "Santa" is an anagram for Satan.

  4. This is not a critique of Lilly or the segment but personally roasts like this make me uncomfortable. One of my least fave types of humour. But hey, people like what they like and I know comedy is relative. Just cuz it wasn’t my style that doesn’t mean it’s bad.

  5. All the jokes aside santa was a saint who gave presents to poor kids. Idk how people started making such a holy thing this bad

  6. Lily is the unfunniest person I have ever seen. Don't you ever get tired of your white 'jokes'? It's like your whole personality is about being brown.

  7. “Take a jobs to deliver toys to all the boys and girls in the world… except the Jews”. No kidding, Christmas isn’t their holiday

  8. 1:39 she uses fat as an insult against Santa but at least he doesn't hide behind ugly suits to cover it up.
    Also I thought Lilly was all for that body positivity stuff.

  9. How come they didn't have Jumanji 2 promotions here? The rock (Lilly's idol), Kevin, Karen Gillan, Jack and Awkwafina would've had a blast here!

  10. Roasting a human is fine, humans are stupid! But roasting Santa is not really progressive at all. Santa is a symbol for many, and this just ruins culture for so many children. It just feels disrespectful man ! And I am not even from this culture but I can't remotely respect this.

  11. Why is everyone calling Lilly cringe?! Can you keep your opinions to yourself and not bring down people just because they're confident?!! Lilly is smart and amazing and happy and healthy to herself. Unlike all the "haters" who feel like they have to leave hate comments.

  12. It’s pretty obvious at this point that Lily or some of her staff members are paying people to leave positive comments and like these videos. This is absolutely one of the worst roasts and most horrific pieces of writing I think I’ve ever seen on television. To say that it is unfunny is an understatement, it is absolutely cringe worthy and completely unwatchable. Not one time through the entire segment did I come remotely close to chuckling or thinking to myself “that was funny”. In fact, I find myself watching it just because I want so badly to tip my hat at some point and go “OK I’ll give you that,” , or “that joke was clever” or that was an unexpected piece of misdirection. Instead I just hear the most ridiculously unfunny GARBAGE. It’s as bad as an open mic night at a comedy club. And rest assured, any positive reviews you see of this garbage are completely and totally fucking manufactured and paid for. The show is complete shit Lilly is fucking, horrible, arrogant, unfunny racist piece of human garbage. I cannot wait to hear the announcement that this travesty has been canceled.

  13. Absolute guarantees in life:
    -Death
    -Taxes
    -This racist moron insults white people.

    Ps India is the most racist country

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