The Unofficial Life Story Of The Real Santa Claus, An Unauthorized Biography #History

The Unofficial Life Story Of The Real Santa Claus, An Unauthorized Biography #History


In the early hours of the 6th of February
1891, in a small farm just outside Rathjensdorf, a small municipality in Schleswig-Holstein
in rural Northern Germany, the world was ready to witness an event that would change the
course of its modern history: the birth of Joseph Emmanuel Stumpf, better known as “Santa
Claus”. Santa Claus was born as the second child of
Yvonne von Bosch, an exotic beauty famous for the length of her legs, and of Joseph
Stumpf, a local farmer famous for the quality of his homemade bacon. But the enjoyment of the countryside was short
lived for the family, as the bacon crisis of 1898 forced the family Stumpf to move to
the city in search of better fortune. There, his mother Yvonne soon resumed her
artistic career as a modern dancer in a theater owned by Hans von Peppel, a joyful 48 years
old Bavarian crazy about flowers and his wife Irma, while his father Joseph started a horse
rental business, that soon started booming. For the young Santa now 7 years old, moving
to the city had been a life changing experience, exposing the young mind to the delights of
modern comfort, and to the art of urban communication. With little appetite for school, the young
Santa was soon placed as an apprentice in the soup factory owned by Carl Knorr, a local
Businessman from Eastern Saxony, that enjoyed both music and his dog Glukenspiel. Carl would be the first one to notice the
talent of our young prodigy. By age 12, Santa was already maturing into
an handsome man that started getting noticed around town, and while the youngsters of his
generation all dreamt of becoming the next sport champions like their idols: “wonder-ice
Peter”, “crooked-nose Jimmy” or the “Gorchev-brothers”, Santa only had 1 dream: embrace the capitalistic
lifestyle by starting his own business… with ice-skating on the side! With the price money earnt by finishing 2nd
at a regional non-vegan soup contest, and with the support of 2 Austrian investors specialized
in modern sculpture, Santa, now aged 14, opened his first company, the Non-Oriental Santa
Food Supply that specialized in baking oversized pancakes. But the hype of the first months was short
lived, and the company soon went bankrupt. While many would not have recovered from this
experience, for the young Santa, this was just a mandatory learning step: he had opened
Pandora’s box and was not ready to stop defying the laws of supply and demand. Many companies would soon follow, all reaching
different levels of success: the Ham & Wall Decoration Company (destroyed by a fire in
1906), The Imperial Budget Funeral Home (destroyed by a gas explosion in 1907), the Strippers
& Beans Corporation (also destroyed by an explosion in 1907). Santa encountered his real first Business
success with the Loof Crates, the first Box Subscription service, that promised to deliver
monthly the wonders of modern comfort to your doorstep. While the initial versions encountered technical
issues, the formula soon became a hit on the market, rewarding Santa with both social recognition
and financial ease. By age 18, Santa had become a prominent member
of society, that not only was an outstanding sportsman, but also a fine connoisseur of
modern arts. But his creative minds needed more to be satisfied,
and despite inventing the first Wake Up Subscription Service, the first International Second Gender
Athletics Competition that also brought him to the idea of the first fully mechanized
epilation system, he was still craving for more! His next challenge was set on reaching the
North pole, which he reached and brought back home in 1910. His encounter with the great North had opened
new territories, and Santa was now nourishing the secret plan of bringing his box delivery
Business to the great North, where child labor is not as restrictive. Having raised capitals with the Albanian Moustache
Gentleman Society and recruited the best seamen and sea women the region had to offer, Santa’s
boat left for the great North the 2 February 1913, loaded with machines, supplies and his
cat “Princess Fluffy”. Nobody will ever know what happened on that
5th of February 1913, but on this third day of the journey, while the boat was approaching
the shore, something terrible occurred… and while in the confusion that followed,
everybody expected the worst had happened… for once, they were also right: Santa died
at age 21.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Releated