White House Christmas Cold Open – SNL


♪♪♪
>>MR. PRESIDENT — [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MR. PRESIDENT, ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO STAY AT THE
CHRISTMAS PARTY LONGER? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS CELEBRATING
THE HUGE TAX BILL. I GOT SO DRUNK I TOLD THE TRUTH.
>>SORRY, KELLYANNE. I’M IN POUTY BABY MODE.
THIS FLYNN INVESTIGATION HAS REALLY GOTTEN ME DOWN.
>>OH, COME ON, SIR, THIS TAX BILL IS YOUR BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT
YET IN THAT IT IS YOUR ONLY ACHIEVEMENT.
>>SORRY I’M NOT IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
THE ONLY THING THAT CHEERS ME UP ARE THESE HILARIOUS MUSLIM
VIDEOS THAT I HAVE BEEN RETWEETING.
LIKE SCROOGE SAYS, “BARF — HAMBURG.”
YOU SHOULD GO AHEAD AND HAVE FUN AT THE PARTY.
>>OKAY. ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU BEFORE I
GO?>>YES, ONE LITTLE THING, YOU
CAN WITHDRAW $5 MILLION DOLLARS FROM MY BANK ACCOUNT AND PUT IT
IN A DUFFEL BAG WITH MY PASSPORT, A FAKE MUSTACHE AND A
BUCKET OF CHICKEN.>>NO PROBLEM, SIR, GOOD NIGHT.
>>THANK YOU, KELLYANNE. THIS IS A TIME I LIKE TO REFLECT
ON ALL THE GOOD I’VE DONE. IT WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.
BUT WAIT. WHAT’S THAT?
>>DONALD J. TRUMP. DONALD J. TRUMP.
>>YOU COME TO GET ME? I KNEW IT.
>>IT’S THE MUSLIM STUFF, RIGHT? NO.
>>FOR CALLING MEXICANS RAPISTS?>>NO.
>>BUT THE ROY MOORE STUFF?>>NO.
>>DRAFT DODGING?>>NO.
>>THE BIRTHER STUFF.>>NO.
>>POCAHONTAS.>>NO.
>>THE CENTRAL PARK — WAIT, MAKING FUN ON THE HANDICAP
REPORTER LIKE THIS.>>NO.
NO. I’M NOT HERE FOR ANY OF THAT.
>>WHO ARE YOU, JACOB MARLEY YOU HAVE GOT A LOT OF CHAINS ON.
>>I’M MICHAEL FLYNN, THE GHOST OF WITNESSES FLIPS,
MR. PRESIDENT, I CAME TO WARN YOU IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO COME
CLEAN FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.
>>THE WHAT. THE GOOD DOCTOR?
>>THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.>>THE GOOD OF THE — COME,
COME.>>I’M SERIOUS, SIR.
THE FBI GOT TO ME. BEFORE ALL THIS, I HAD A GREAT
LIFE, DONALD, I WAS AN HONORABLE TWICE FIRED MILITARY MAN WHO
LOVED TO TALK ABOUT HOW HILLARY CLINTON
HAD A CHILD SEX RING IN A PIZZA SHOP.
>>OH, MIKE, YOU WERE MY MAN. YOU LET THE “LOCK HER UP” CHEER
AT THE CONVENTION. WHO KNEW YOU HAD SO MUCH IN YOUR
PAST. IF ONLY SOMEBODY HAD WARNED ME
ABOUT YOU.>>PRESIDENT OBAMA DID TELL YOU
NOT THE HIRE ME.>>I MEANT SOMEONE AMERICAN.
>>MR. PRESIDENT THERE IS A LOT OF PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST THAT
CAN COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU BUT TONIGHT YOU WILL BE VISITED BY
THREE OF THEM. THERE’S THE FIRST ONE NOW.
>>BILLY BUSH!>>UH-HUH.
YEP. I’M HERE TO REMIND YOU OF THAT
ACCESS HOLLYWOOD TAPE, MAN. CAN YOU BELIEVE I GOT FIRED JUST
FOR LISTENING TO YOU? AND THEN YOU GOT ELECTED
PRESIDENT? AND NOW YOU ARE SAYING THE TAPE
ISN’T EVEN REAL? WHAT?
>>YOU WILL BE FINE, BILLY. I’M SURE YOU WILL WORK AGAIN.
>>WELL, I HOPE SO. AND FRANKLY I’M LOOKING PRETTY
GOOD IN THE NBC NEWS DIVISION RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
REMEMBER, DONALD, THESE THINGS CATCH UP WITH ALL OF US.
IF YOU WORKED AT NBC YOU WOULD BE FIRED, FIRED, FIRED.
AND OUT OF MONEY.>>WAIT, COME BACK.
WHERE DID YOU GO.>>DONALD, WHERE DID WHO GO?
>>MELANIA, I’M SORRY. I WAS JUST WORKING.
>>COME DOWN TO THE PARTY. YOU HAVE TO SEE MY DECORATION.
IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FESTIVE HALLWAY OF DEAD BRANCHES IN THE
MYSTERIOUS SHADOWS. AND WHEN YOU
OPEN UP THE ELEVATORS, BLOOD COME OUT.
>>SOUNDS WONDERFUL BUT I’M SO TIRED.
>>BUT DONALD WE NEED SOMEONE TO PUT UP THE MANGER SCENE.
BECAUSE MIKE PENCE WAS GOING DO IT BUT HIS WIFE DOESN’T WANT HIM
PLAYING WITH DOLLS. SHE’S AFRAID IT WILL GIVE HIM
URGES.>>MELANIA, I CAN’T.
BUT YOU GO, I’LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.
OH, NO. IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN.
>>MR. TRUMP. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>VLADIMIR. YOU MUST BE MY PRESENT.
>>OF COURSE. DONALD YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME.
I SEE AND HEAR EVERYTHING YOU DO.
>>BECAUSE YOU ARE A GHOST?>>YES, I’M GHOST, UH-HUH.
LISTEN, I PUT A LOT OF HARD WORK INTO YOU, SO MUCH TIME AND
MONEY, AND YOU ARE ABOUT TO MESS IT ALL UP.
YOU SEEM SO VOLATILE.>>I’M SORRY, VLADIMIR BUT I
PROMISE I’LL BE MORE DOCUMENT WITH NORTH KOREA AND THAT FAT
LITTLE PSYCHO WHO RUNS IT.>>TRUMP, YOU GOT TO CHILL OUT
BROSKI.>>VLADIMIR, I HAVE ALWAYS
WANTED TO ASK YOU THIS QUESTION, DO YOU THINK I’M COOL?
>>LOOK, I HAVE TO GO.>>SO THAT’S A YES?
>>YEAH, I JUST HAVE TO GO. SOMEONE ELSE IS COMING.
THEY ARE COMING.>>SEE MR. PRESIDENT, ANY ONE OF
THESE SPIRITS COULD BRING YOU DOWN BUT THE SCARIEST ONE IS YET
TO COME. OH, NO, IT APPROACHES.
>>MIKE I’M TOO SCARED TO LOOK. OH, THANK GOD IT’S STEVE BANNON.
HERE TO SAVE THE DAY WITH YOUR TERRIBLE WHITE MAGIC.
WAIT. WHO ARE YOU?
>>HO, HO, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
‘TIS I, HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON. HO, HO.
YOU, DONALD, HAVE GIVEN ME THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL, SEXUAL
GRATIFICATION IN THE FORM OF YOUR SLOW DEMISE.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I’VE WANTED TO SAY THIS — “LOCK HIM
UP!”>>NO!
NO! NO!
>>OH, DONALD, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
>>OH, GOD, MELANIA I WAS SO SCARED.
THESE SPIRITS, THEY SHOWED ME THINGS.
I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO NOW. I NEED TO ERASE SEASONS ONE
THROUGH 14 OF “THE APPRENTICE,” FIRE ROBERT MUELLER, AND LIVE,
FROM NEW YORK, IT’S “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!”

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