What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite and start getting Real This is The Champions I’m Fellaini and in this show, I will NEVER cut my hair Sorry—sorry I’m late Uh, hello! I’m— I am very happy for Luka that he won the Ballon d’Or But mainly that Ronaldo didn’t win! Hahah! I’m Phil Jones and nobody wants to face me AND NOBODY WANTS ME FACE! Robben, can you check your feet? Make sure you’re on your mark Oh, sure, yeah Wait, I have two of these?! Say, have I ever told you about the time my partner and I took a picture together with David Beckham? Get this it was seven years before we even started courting each other Oh really? That’s dope Easy peasy now, bruv Just hit this anywhere on the board and we win Brilliant, Mahrez. Now can you turn the lights back on? AAAAHHHHHHH!!! Neymar! He’s been murdered! Oh my dear Neymar What kind of animal would do this?! Suarez! Whoa…OK, hold on. I’m a biter That’s my thing I bite This guy? He was stabbed This is a backstabbing, and who is the biggest backstabber of them all? Uh John Terry? MAURO ICARDI! If he can take a man’s wife, he can take a man’s LIFE! And he does it with a knife and he causes all this strife OK, hold on. The only crime I am guilty of is falling in love. OK, yes, with my friend’s wife and then marrying her and then getting a tattoo of his three kids OK, yeah, it’s messed up. I get it… but I only metaphorically backstab Whoever did this is someone with a REAL history of violence Someone like SERGIO RAMOS! Ah yeah, yeah, yeah Stop, man I was with Mo the whole time It’s true unfortunately Nothing else to say And besides, I have no reason to kill Neymar, unlike Coutinho! What? Yes, you! The dark wizard who wishes to have Neymar’s place as the crown jewel of El Canarinho! This is ridiculous! Me? Stop it. First of all, why is no one accusing Ronaldo? I mean, it’s a little weird that he’s not here, right? And we know that— What I mean is, if anyone wants Neymar out of the way, it’s Cavani! It’s no secret they’ve had problems And it appears he has fixed them by MURDERING HIM! Except he did NOT And how do you know? Because I am Thomas Muller, the Raumdeuter also known as the SPACE INVESTIGATOR I thought it was space interpreter Well, there’s no proper English translation, but really both are valid It’s very cool, actually Room, lock the doors to the Romelu I mean Romelu, Lukaku the doors I mean never mind I will now investigate this space! Hey, talk about the MULLER investigation, am I right? Eh? You see, it could not be Cavani Because a cunning murderer like this requires an ELITE attacker I’m an elite attacker Ah, you’re very good, but THIS was done by one of the best OK, well I am definitely one of the best so I think I should be a suspect Ze real perpetrator is someone who has worn ze red and blue but not anymore You see, zis person shouldn’t even be AT the Champions League house SHOW YOURSELF, ZLATAN! It is true! Haha! I am the best player in the world! Uh…that is not what I said. But I am not here to murder I am here to take what is rightfully mine! The Ballon d’Or! Not as easy when you’re not in America anymore, eh? Enough with this We all know who the murderer is It is Paul Oh my God—enough with the “I hate Paul” act Hmm act Wait Who was ze the last person Neymar was talking with before he went dead? I was telling him the story about how I met my fiancée Ah! I’ve solved ze crime! Who did it? Nobody Because Neymar is not dead He is merely play-acting! All to avoid small talk with Harry Kane! And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you pesky Germans and your technical quality! I shall flop agaaaaain!