Yale’s Emergency Contraceptive Machine, Cat-Proof Christmas Tree – Monologue

Yale’s Emergency Contraceptive Machine, Cat-Proof Christmas Tree – Monologue

-Let’s get to the news. Special Counsel
Robert Mueller’s office made a sentencing
recommendation today for former national
security adviser Michael Flynn, who pleaded guilty
to lying to the FBI about his contacts with Russia. I’d say Trump
is starting to sweat, but that could be from anything. “So…many stairs.” Sources told
“The New York Times” that President Trump’s ex-lawyer
Michael Cohen feels his life
has been destroyed by his relationship
with President Trump. Oh, man. I feel the same way. When we started “Late Night,” it was supposed to be
a cooking show. [ Laughter ] Baileys Irish Cream
has announced that it will sell Irish cream flavored
chocolate baking chips — perfect for your child
with a drinking problem. “[Slurring]
No, YOU go to bed!” Yale University has announced
it will install a new 24/7 emergency contraceptive
vending machine on campus. Said Harvard students,
“Wasn’t Yale already Plan B?” [ Audience oohs ] [ Chuckling snobbishly ] [ Chuckling snobbishly ] A high school in Illinois
recently suspended ten players from its football team after
they voluntarily participated in a so-called Oreo run
where they stripped naked and ran across a field with Oreo cookies
wedged in their buttocks. Said one teacher, “Who put these
back in the break room?!” [ Audience groans ] [ Chuckles snobbishly ] A British company is selling
an artificial Christmas tree that only has branches
on the top half to protect it
from being ruined by cats. Now the only thing that will be
ruined by cats is your life. [ Laughter ] In a recent
“New York Times” article, a Harvard professor suggested that people eat only six
French fries per sitting. The article is called, “We’re taking away
the only thing you have left.” And, finally,
according to a new survey, children have over 4,200
arguments with their parents by the age of 18. And for some people,
it’s always the same one. “You’re my father!”
“No, I’m not!”

95 thoughts on “Yale’s Emergency Contraceptive Machine, Cat-Proof Christmas Tree – Monologue

  1. Hey Harvard Professor, go research the cure for cancer (or something equally important). I donโ€™t want to be French Fry shamed for eating all of it! ๐ŸŸ No safety limit on the much bigger British Chips though…

  2. Yale got f***ing destroyed. Seth's inbox is gonna explode.
    On the bright side: Harvard will probably be calling him to do their commencement address. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. 2:17: Donald Trump denying he is Eric's father would be the FIRST TIME that he doesn't try to take credit for someone else's accomplishment. ^^

  4. Yale's Contraceptive Dispenser just drops a fortune cookie that says: "Your boyfriend is getting a Liberal Arts degree. Don't worry, I'm sure everything will work out."

  5. The oreo thing those kids did was from blue mountain state. And stop saying cats are pointless or ruining your life. At least a cat is smart enough to not eat it's own vomit and poop

  6. This 300lb, 5ft tall fat chick comes in for a tattoo on her vagina.ย  In a related story, I retired from tattooing.

  7. I'm guessing the person who invented the cat proof Christmas tree has never even met a cat.
    Because cats can jump. They can jump really really high.
    That tree doesn't stand a chance against a determined cat.

  8. Yale maybe is a good choice. Yโ€™all here about the gal getting hounded out of her apartment for legally exercising her second amendment rights?

  9. The 'Vending Machine' will be located just outside the 'Kavanaugh Lounge'. Buy five Imperial Pints, and mention the special code "Bart", and receive a free token for the machine.

  10. Hey! Cats bring joy to many, many lonely old women and a few young people as well. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿˆ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿˆ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿˆ๐Ÿ˜

  11. Seth, your cat joke only received polite reponse from the audience. Cats..and dogs..don't ruin lives. They make life better. Pets make life better. Republicans, on the other hand…

  12. Women complains : If your over 176lb plan "b" doesn't work
    Men : if your over 176lb you are plan "b"

    @steth Meyers, your move

  13. who else here is jobless enough to pause at the news article to read whats written on it laugh cos its the same 2 paragraphs repeated and then sob cos this is what your life has come to….

  14. We all look forward to the day, nay the very second, late night shows are no longer forced to cover in a humorous manner , Trump's numerous crimes and misdemeanors to help us keep our sanity.
    And that's because no one other than Fox news, wants to talk about disgraced former conservative presidents.

  15. Apparently Seth hates cats? That's not the first "cats are terrible" joke I've seen him do. I guess a cat broke his heart in his youth.

  16. So is nobody gonna talk about how those football players in Illinois stole the chocolate cookie race from Blue Mountain State?

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